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Ask Annie and Andy is the Internet question and answer prevention service about child and teen victimization, violence, bullying and teen dating violence ... a division of Love Our Children USA.

The site is updated on a weekly basis and stores archives of previously posted questions and answers each month. All Ask Annie and Andy inquiries remain anonymous as do e-mail addresses.

My friend, Sammy, she is going through a lot right now. One of our other friends dad has been touching Sammy and she is so afraid to tell any one because this guy is a really good father and has a really loving wife and Sammy doesn't want to brake up such a good family but she knows deep down that is the right thing to do. What should I tell my friend?

You may think that Sammy’s father is a really good father, but good fathers don’t touch their children. Regardless of how loving and happy the family seems, Sammy MUST tell!

If she can’t talk to her mother then she should tell a trusted adult, such as a family member, teacher, guidance counselor or parent of a close friend.

It is NOT okay for Sammy’s father to be touching her. He is sick and he is hurting her. That is the first and most important thing to consider right now. It MUST Stop!

If the family breaks up, it will break up because Sammy’s mother makes that decision. It’s not up to Sammy to keep the family together or hide her dad’s secret. And it’s certainly not okay for Sammy to have to go through this. She could be hurt a lot worse.

Sammy’s mom may not believe it at first because she will likely be shocked. If her mom does not believe Sammy after she tells … then Sammy should tell a trusted adult or call the child abuse hotline at 1-800-422-4453.

When this is all sorted out, Sammy will thank you for being such a good friend. By taking the first step and Asking Annie, Sammy will get the help she needs and hopefully so will her father.

My dad always tells me I am worthless and calls me names. I am 14, never get into trouble and am a straight 'A' student. My mom says he's just teasing me but it doesn't feel that way.

I feel bad all of the time and feel like I can't do anything right. What can I do?

It's never easy feeling bad, worthless and being called names ... especially when it's your dad who is bullying you.

Your dad sounds really angry and probably doesn't have great self-esteem either. It's
likely that one of his parents or someone of authority told him the same thing when he was a kid.

Annie suggests scheduling a meeting with your parents ... maybe after dinner or during a time when you know they're not real busy. Tell your parents you love them and tell your dad that you know he loves you, but when he calls you names and talks to you the way he does, it makes you feel really bad.

Tell your mom you love her and that it doesn't feel like your dad is joking. Tell her how it upsets you. Ask your parents together how things can change?

If they come up with a solution ... great! If not, tell them you would like for all of you to speak with a counselor or psychologist. If that doesn't work, talk to your school counselor.

Remember one thing .... you are special, you are awesome ...and that will never change. And always remember that no matter what anyone says!

I am 13 and for a long time I've been really angry. I think it's because my dad is so mean to my mom. He's always yelling and screaming and he hits her. My mom cries a lot and my brother and I escape to our rooms.

I hate feeling this way and I don't know how to make my dad stop. What can I do?

Signed
Angry

You have every right to be angry. Your mom, your brother and you are victims of domestic violence. Many people think that domestic violence only affects the mother or father who is being abused. It goes a lot deeper … it affects the kids too.

Growing up in a violent home is one of the most terrifying and traumatic experiences a child can go through.

Your mom needs to get help and so do you. Kids who grow up in violent homes can be helped through Intervention, prevention, and support programs.

The first step is for you and your brother to talk to your mom. Tell her how angry, upset and scared you are. Give her this number:

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Spousal, Partner and Child Abuse

Sometimes it's hard for a mom to report the abuse because she's worried about how to support your brother, you and her, and worried about how your dad will react. This hotline can really help. It's just a matter of taking that first step. Also, if your mom is hesitant and
needs some advice and an ear, please tell her to contact:

Mental Health Info Source 1-800-447-4474 Mental Health Resources and Information

They can help her by referring her to someone who she can speak with confidentially who can help her take that first step towards a safe place and healing for all of you.

I am 17 now but when I was 5 years old, my uncle used to put his hands in my panties and rub me. He told me not to tell anyone. He said it made us both feel good. He did this until I was 12 when I started my period, and then it stopped. Does that mean I was sexually molested? I feel so weird and ugly all the time.

Anytime someone touches a child on or in their private parts it is wrong. Even though he did not penetrate you, you were sexually molested and a victim of child abuse.

What happened was not your fault but, Annie recommends that you speak to your parents who can take you to see a trained therapist or you can talk to a trusted professional. Because you are still in high school you can speak to a school counselor or go to a rape center if you are afraid to talk to your parents about this.

Please feel free to contact the Youth For Youth Partnership peer mentors who are there for you at www.youthforyouth.org . There are also hotlines such as:

Nationwide Referral Network for Kids in Crisis
1-800-KID-SAVE (542-7283) Nationwide Referral Line

National Victim Center
1-800-FYI-CALL (2255)

National Youth Crisis Hotline
1-800-448-4663

Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)
1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

If you are reading this and sexual molestation is an issue for you, or for someone you know, talking with a professional who has experience in this area, joining a survivors group, or reading about sexual molestation is a big help. Know the facts, be aware and know that you are not alone! Talking to a professional can be a huge help.

Speaking Up For The First Time. What Do I Do?

Dear Annie,

I never told anyone before, but I was physically abused from the time I was four until my mom died last year when I turned sixteen. She used to punch me in the stomach and hit me with a chair on my back so no one would see my bruises. She told me I wasn't wanted and would never amount to anything good. She told me if I told anyone I would be sent to jail for lying.

I've never told anyone until now. She's gone and I have no one to talk to. I'm afraid if I do someone else will beat me. What do I do?

Dear Lost and Scared,

It is awful that you had to go through that cruel treatment …physically, verbally and emotionally. Your mother was sick and had you told anyone, you would not have been arrested. It is so brave and courageous of you to speak up now. You have taken the first step to healing.

If you can go to your father, tell him and ask him to take you to a therapist trained in child abuse. If you cannot go to your father, you must tell a trusted adult so you can get the appropriate help. School counselors are helpful, clergy, even a friend's parents or another adult family member.

Please feel free to contact the Youth For Youth Partnership peer mentors who are here for you at www.youthforyouth.org .

Here are some places to contact:

Mental Health Info Source 1-800-447-4474

National Crisis Line 1-866-334-4357

National Institute of Mental Health 1-888-ANXIETY Mental Health Resources and Information

Nationwide Referral Network for Kids in Crisis 1-800-KID-SAVE (542-7283) Nationwide Referral Line

National Victim Center 1-800-FYI-CALL (2255) Violent Crime Victims

National Youth Crisis Hotline 1-800-448-4663 Youth Crisis Hotline

Teen Help Line 1-800-400-0900 Help Line For Troubled Teens

Teen Hot Line 1-800-747-8336 Hot Line For Troubled Teens

Youth Development International 1-800-HIT-HOME (448-4663) Youth Crisis Hotline

The healing process is a long one but you will get through this.

Annie
July 12, 2004

It's My Fault. What Should I Do To Make It Stop?

Dear Annie,

I just turned 18. My father has been molesting me since I was 11. The problem is he still does it. I feel like I am old enough to stop it, but it still happens. I know
it's my fault. I just don't know what to do.

Signed
Guilt

Dear Guilty,

The only one who is guilty is your father. None of this is your fault. The only reason you think it is your fault is because your father has brainwashed you into thinking it's your fault. That is what abusers do … all of them.

Number one …. it is definitely NOT your fault. As for being 18 and old enough to stop it ….that's not true either. Being molested is all you have known since the age of 11.

Put in simpler terms … if you are addicted to chocolate - all you know is you want that chocolate. Well, being molested is all you know. You do not know a father who is respectful, loving and nurturing. So being able to stop it is very difficult.

I am assuming you haven't told your mother. If you can I would recommend doing so. If you cannot, then please speak to a counselor at school or a trusted adult who can help you.

In addition to speaking with our youth peer mentors at www.youthforyourh.org you should contact these places:

Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Rape Abuse and Incest

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Spousal, Partner and Child Abuse

National Victim Center 1-800-FYI-CALL (2255) Violent Crime Victims

National Institute of Mental Health 1-888-ANXIETY Mental Health Resources and Information

Please take that first step. If you are having a hard time doing that let us know. You are awesome, you are brave and a hero!

The first step to healing is to find that hero inside you and claim victory!

Annie
July 13, 2004

Disclaimer: Some questions may contain graphic content and therefore may not be appropriate for all ages to read. Please check with your parents before reading these pages.

Ask Annie and Andy are not doctors or counselors and although the information they give to you is accurate it should not be substituted for professional advice.

Parts of your letter may be deleted for publishing as they may be too graphic for certain ages.

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